Well, I guess it's clear I can't really be depended on for anyone who is looking for some support in the area of depression, etc. Yikes! Sorry for the long delay in posting. I think that when something becomes a "have to" in my eyes, it gets much more difficult to complete. Hence, the break.
An Update: I am doing very well. We went through some ups and downs as far as medications go, and finally found a really good fit. My mood is great...and things have been consistent there for quite awhile. Yay!!
I still have been having a few symptoms that are bugging us so I will be going in to get my thyroid checked again.
And just recently I decided to take a different approach to the weight loss bit. I've been really frustrated with the lack of results in that area....so next Monday I will be starting the Take Shape For Life program...which uses Medifast. I have a lot of thoughts about this...but am not ready to sit and write about it a ton....but I do think I'd like to try and post in this blog my weekly results. We'll see!
Tuesday, June 4, 2013
Saturday, March 23, 2013
M.I.A.
I was missing in action last week. Almost back to that paralyzing place. I felt grounded with little motivation for anything. I'd like to blame the weather (another blizzard) and the fact I had sick kids 3 days in a row preceding it. It's hard to figure out this puzzle with so many factors involved...
I've noticed that I don't like writing when I'm "in it." I feel like I'm nagging or complaining or...I don't know. It's just not clear thinking. I'm probably also not motivated to write. I don't know. I do know that I would much rather reflect on it than write about while experiencing it. Whatever that means. :)
So, last week, I didn't food log and I didn't exercise. At all. I did all the "have to" stuff and a couple of fun family things...oh, and I did do some major cleaning out of the boys clothes and books. On paper, I don't feel like it should've been an awful week. But, I just felt stuck.
Today, for whatever reason, I woke up with motivation and got a couple of nagging tasks done this morning AND I got on the treadmill this afternoon. I'm glad I've turned it around....now if I can figure out this pattern....
I've noticed that I don't like writing when I'm "in it." I feel like I'm nagging or complaining or...I don't know. It's just not clear thinking. I'm probably also not motivated to write. I don't know. I do know that I would much rather reflect on it than write about while experiencing it. Whatever that means. :)
So, last week, I didn't food log and I didn't exercise. At all. I did all the "have to" stuff and a couple of fun family things...oh, and I did do some major cleaning out of the boys clothes and books. On paper, I don't feel like it should've been an awful week. But, I just felt stuck.
Today, for whatever reason, I woke up with motivation and got a couple of nagging tasks done this morning AND I got on the treadmill this afternoon. I'm glad I've turned it around....now if I can figure out this pattern....
Friday, March 15, 2013
Happy Friday?
Well, I think that my recent adjustments might be working...today I have all 3 boys home. One with a fever, another still recovering from a reaction to antibiotics and another who was throwing up all night and I don't feel all that bad. This would normally have made me wanna go off the deep end!
Today I am taking any available moment to get up and move around and play some of my favorite music... I'm also focusing on giving the boys cuddles when they need it and so far so good. I have been stuck at home for a couple of days so I do need to get out soon. Britt is working from home today and intends to give me a break later today and certain tomorrow!
Today I am taking any available moment to get up and move around and play some of my favorite music... I'm also focusing on giving the boys cuddles when they need it and so far so good. I have been stuck at home for a couple of days so I do need to get out soon. Britt is working from home today and intends to give me a break later today and certain tomorrow!
Thursday, March 14, 2013
Treatments
Ever since being diagnosed with depression and anxiety I've tried a variety of different interventions and treatments.
In my early 20s I first noticed some seasonal depression and it was the first time I tried talk therapy. That seemed to do the trick at that time. Then when I was about 30 the depression got a little bit worse....so I was referred to a psychiatrist who recommended that I try a medication. My depression was still fairly mild, but I was having a hard time rebounding with just talk therapy and it was affecting my life quite a bit. So I gave it a try and it really helped.
I was on that regiment, same dose and all, for the last 8 years until this episode. My doctors now are trying to adjust things with my medication to help me out a bit and I'm also still doing talk therapy....but to be honest, talk therapy was useless until we could get the meds to help me. I was completely not "there." I couldn't take things in and apply them to my life at all.
One other thing we've added is the use of a light box between Labor Day and Memorial Day. I believe a lot of people do this in the upper Midwest due to our lack of daylight during this time. It's really helped a lot. I would recommend it to anyone who thinks it might help!
So, that's where I'm at. I am always curious about how certain foods might affect how your body works and if cutting out any certain foods might help...but now isn't the time for me to try something like that. ;)
In my early 20s I first noticed some seasonal depression and it was the first time I tried talk therapy. That seemed to do the trick at that time. Then when I was about 30 the depression got a little bit worse....so I was referred to a psychiatrist who recommended that I try a medication. My depression was still fairly mild, but I was having a hard time rebounding with just talk therapy and it was affecting my life quite a bit. So I gave it a try and it really helped.
I was on that regiment, same dose and all, for the last 8 years until this episode. My doctors now are trying to adjust things with my medication to help me out a bit and I'm also still doing talk therapy....but to be honest, talk therapy was useless until we could get the meds to help me. I was completely not "there." I couldn't take things in and apply them to my life at all.
One other thing we've added is the use of a light box between Labor Day and Memorial Day. I believe a lot of people do this in the upper Midwest due to our lack of daylight during this time. It's really helped a lot. I would recommend it to anyone who thinks it might help!
So, that's where I'm at. I am always curious about how certain foods might affect how your body works and if cutting out any certain foods might help...but now isn't the time for me to try something like that. ;)
Tuesday, March 12, 2013
Binge Eating Disorder
I'm not going to get medical or scientific here... I'd just like to share what binge eating disorder has looked like for me. When I get to it I will add some resources in the link above that explains more about the disorder from a medical standpoint.
So, binge eating disorder did not look like I thought it did. It wasn't the "after school special" material that I had envisioned: hiding in closets, eating large amounts of sugar until you are in a stupor. Although, I believe that might be the case for some people.
For me, it began with a longtime reliance on using food for comfort. Then it grew into me wanting more and more comfort until I couldn't control it. I kept wanting to feel numb and feel nothing at all. So I would just eat constantly...not really hiding it... no one was really watching me. Maybe Britt...but she doesn't really tune into that stuff very much. The key was that I couldn't stop. I wanted more. I would eat and eat and eat until I felt AWFUL. Then, I wanted to just curl up in a ball of guilt and numbness and sleep. And I went through that cycle several times a day.
When I was first referred to the Eating Disorder Clinic I was somewhat relieved because I knew I needed help...but I'm not sure I actually felt like I had the disorder. I have had this type of behavior on and off for several years and so I didn't think it was that extreme. After my initial appointment which was an all day affair they informed me that I was a slam dunk diagnosis for Binge Eating Disorder...actually there isn't a formal diagnosis of such a disorder yet...it's called Eating Disorder, Non Specific.
So, that's me. Since we've been back from California, my bingeing has decreased considerably and, in fact, I haven't binged in a couple of weeks! Huge! I have many behaviors that could trigger it very quickly so we are working very hard on keeping away from those behaviors! I am overeating...but not bingeing..which is hard to differentiate at this point...
That's it for now...
So, binge eating disorder did not look like I thought it did. It wasn't the "after school special" material that I had envisioned: hiding in closets, eating large amounts of sugar until you are in a stupor. Although, I believe that might be the case for some people.
For me, it began with a longtime reliance on using food for comfort. Then it grew into me wanting more and more comfort until I couldn't control it. I kept wanting to feel numb and feel nothing at all. So I would just eat constantly...not really hiding it... no one was really watching me. Maybe Britt...but she doesn't really tune into that stuff very much. The key was that I couldn't stop. I wanted more. I would eat and eat and eat until I felt AWFUL. Then, I wanted to just curl up in a ball of guilt and numbness and sleep. And I went through that cycle several times a day.
When I was first referred to the Eating Disorder Clinic I was somewhat relieved because I knew I needed help...but I'm not sure I actually felt like I had the disorder. I have had this type of behavior on and off for several years and so I didn't think it was that extreme. After my initial appointment which was an all day affair they informed me that I was a slam dunk diagnosis for Binge Eating Disorder...actually there isn't a formal diagnosis of such a disorder yet...it's called Eating Disorder, Non Specific.
So, that's me. Since we've been back from California, my bingeing has decreased considerably and, in fact, I haven't binged in a couple of weeks! Huge! I have many behaviors that could trigger it very quickly so we are working very hard on keeping away from those behaviors! I am overeating...but not bingeing..which is hard to differentiate at this point...
That's it for now...
Self Image
I guess we could say this picture is my goal, physically. Weird stuff.
Monday, March 11, 2013
Athletic Background
So, one reason that being where I'm at physically is so challenging for me right now is that I've had moments in my past where I've been pretty athletic.
In high school I played sports year round.
I played basketball for a year in college.
I played in a competitive basketball league in my mid-20s to my early-30s.
I've run 1 marathon, several half marathons and completed several sprint triathlons.
I don't consider myself a runner...I'm mostly a jogger who likes to stay active and give myself goals. I've certainly had times in my life that I was overweight...especially after having kids...and I've gotten back into shape both times. In October 2011 I ran my fastest 10k. And right after that my downhill slide began.
And here I am. Trying to ignore the past, wipe the slate clean and just start moving again. It's hard not to think back to all of my past times, training programs, etc. But doing so would be SO not helpful.
Today I jogged on the treadmill at a speed so slow that it used to be my cool down WALK. But you know what? It felt GREAT!!! So there!!
In high school I played sports year round.
I played basketball for a year in college.
I played in a competitive basketball league in my mid-20s to my early-30s.
I've run 1 marathon, several half marathons and completed several sprint triathlons.
I don't consider myself a runner...I'm mostly a jogger who likes to stay active and give myself goals. I've certainly had times in my life that I was overweight...especially after having kids...and I've gotten back into shape both times. In October 2011 I ran my fastest 10k. And right after that my downhill slide began.
And here I am. Trying to ignore the past, wipe the slate clean and just start moving again. It's hard not to think back to all of my past times, training programs, etc. But doing so would be SO not helpful.
Today I jogged on the treadmill at a speed so slow that it used to be my cool down WALK. But you know what? It felt GREAT!!! So there!!
Holy WOW!!!
I just completed Week 1 Day 1 of Couch to 5K and I COULDN'T BE MORE EXCITED! It went GREAT! K (my psych) gave me some targets as far as what speeds to go on the treadmill.....they were VERY SLOW, especially for the jogging part. I was basically shuffling. But it felt GREAT!!! And it wasn't that hard!
This is a GREAT BIG STEP!!! I'm moving again! Yippee!!!
This is a GREAT BIG STEP!!! I'm moving again! Yippee!!!
ActiOn!
Today I had an appointment with K (Eating Disorder Psych) and I expressed to her my anxiousness to start seeing some results physically. She jumped right on board with this and suggested we get going on an exercise plans. Her suggestions: Couch to 5K and Body Pump classes. I AM SO THRILLED WITH THIS!!!! I wish I could do cartwheels!!!
She strongly stressed that I do the run portions of the Couch to 5K at a very slow pace on the treadmill...but she thought I was ready. I really didn't know that I was...and I didn't know that Body Pump was for all shapes and sizes either. I'm really excited about this!!!
My first instinct is to start counting and cutting calories and that is NOT okay for me. Probably ever. K reminded me of that.
Onward, friends! I am off to research my new exercise plan!
She strongly stressed that I do the run portions of the Couch to 5K at a very slow pace on the treadmill...but she thought I was ready. I really didn't know that I was...and I didn't know that Body Pump was for all shapes and sizes either. I'm really excited about this!!!
My first instinct is to start counting and cutting calories and that is NOT okay for me. Probably ever. K reminded me of that.
Onward, friends! I am off to research my new exercise plan!
The Front Line of Support
I'd like to introduce my front line of support:
Britt: My partner and never ceasing source of support for me. While she may have limitations with our kiddos, she does not have limitations with me. She has dealt with a lot this past year.
My Mom: She has been taking care of the little boys through countless doctor appointments. Couldn't possibly have taken this on without her.
Monk: My sister. The level-headed one in the bunch. She can take in my messy thoughts and give a one word response that makes complete sense. She can also listen without any response. She's a keeper and I'm very lucky to have her.
On the medical side...
K: She is the psych I see at the Eating Disorder Institute. She is a dream come true. The perfect match for my personality.
Ka: She is the general therapist I've seen for about a year. A true joy.
D: A new general psych I'll be seeing for meds.
I: A doc I see for weight management.
Britt: My partner and never ceasing source of support for me. While she may have limitations with our kiddos, she does not have limitations with me. She has dealt with a lot this past year.
My Mom: She has been taking care of the little boys through countless doctor appointments. Couldn't possibly have taken this on without her.
Monk: My sister. The level-headed one in the bunch. She can take in my messy thoughts and give a one word response that makes complete sense. She can also listen without any response. She's a keeper and I'm very lucky to have her.
On the medical side...
K: She is the psych I see at the Eating Disorder Institute. She is a dream come true. The perfect match for my personality.
Ka: She is the general therapist I've seen for about a year. A true joy.
D: A new general psych I'll be seeing for meds.
I: A doc I see for weight management.
Another teeny admission...
OK... so on Facebook I kinda laid it all on the table...but not really ALL...
I'm also being treated for binge-eating disorder. I am pretty sure this has been a byproduct of the anxiety and depression. I've been in treatment for about 6 months, I think and have made some great progress since the trip to CA.
I just felt the need to share this. :) I will go into more detail at some point.
I'm also being treated for binge-eating disorder. I am pretty sure this has been a byproduct of the anxiety and depression. I've been in treatment for about 6 months, I think and have made some great progress since the trip to CA.
I just felt the need to share this. :) I will go into more detail at some point.
Sunday, March 10, 2013
Hurdles
So, here's an interesting stage of this
process. My mind is feeling quite clear and this clear mind wants to go
for a good, hard 6 mile run today. But this clear mind woke up with a
completely different body. This body cannot even come close to running 6
miles. In fact, this body got passed by a much older woman on the
walking track last week.
I walked past many mirrors yesterday and I didn't feel disgust (that'll come, I'm sure), I felt astonishment. I don't know who this is.
Use any motivational cliche in the book...but this is gonna be one long effing road and to be honest, I hardly know how to start.
I walked past many mirrors yesterday and I didn't feel disgust (that'll come, I'm sure), I felt astonishment. I don't know who this is.
Use any motivational cliche in the book...but this is gonna be one long effing road and to be honest, I hardly know how to start.
Great Quote
My friend. Heather shared this quote with me on Facebook.... similar to Anne Lamott's in which inspired this blog's title...
“In the midst of winter, I found there was, within me, an invincible summer.
And that makes me happy. For it says that no matter how hard the world pushes against me, within me, there’s something stronger – something better, pushing right back.”
― Albert Camus, The Stranger
“In the midst of winter, I found there was, within me, an invincible summer.
And that makes me happy. For it says that no matter how hard the world pushes against me, within me, there’s something stronger – something better, pushing right back.”
― Albert Camus, The Stranger
Results
This was my Monday home with the boys....
Today I...
ate a lot of oreos
drank Diet Coke and extra coffee
took a nap
cuddled with a sick boy
took the big kid to swimming lessons
rode the leprechaun, er, elliptical AND the treadmill
(got the van stuck in a drift in our driveway)
did a lot of deep breathing
...and I believe the destructive stuff didn't outweigh the self care stuff. Thanks for all the suggestions...I've got good friends along on this journey...
Today I...
ate a lot of oreos
drank Diet Coke and extra coffee
took a nap
cuddled with a sick boy
took the big kid to swimming lessons
rode the leprechaun, er, elliptical AND the treadmill
(got the van stuck in a drift in our driveway)
did a lot of deep breathing
...and I believe the destructive stuff didn't outweigh the self care stuff. Thanks for all the suggestions...I've got good friends along on this journey...
This Can Put Me Over the Edge...
So, the 3 year olds were home for "spring break" a couple of weeks ago. The 6 year old's school did not have a spring break this year...so it was just me and the little guys. All 3 of us mostly had colds so we hung around the house mostly... the whole time.... me... and them...
Monday morning....back to school! WAIT. Duncan has a fever. NOOOOO! I already had my ME time planned for the day. He can't possibly have a fever...well isn't this ALWAYS how it goes. I felt SO resentful, angry and on top of it all...guilty.
Off we went to the walk-in clinic and my little bug had a double ear infection. We spent most of the rest of the day cuddling and my guilt and anger subsided a bit but I still felt "the cloud."
It scared me how close the "cloud" was... I have been feeling really clear and pretty good for weeks and then BOOM I felt really down quickly. It scared me how close to the surface it all was. I worked hard not to let it snowball...and I was afraid of how quickly that could happen, too.
On Tuesday I felt better and was only slightly annoyed with the fact that the little boys were sick. The day before, on Facebook, I asked friends to share how they would bounce back from this kind of setback. The response that really resonated with me was to get rid of the guilt! It's ok to be pissed off! And it's also okay and it's great to recognize that I turned to my usual coping mechanisms when I got stressed and upset.
I think recognizing all of that made Tuesday better. Cheers...
Monday morning....back to school! WAIT. Duncan has a fever. NOOOOO! I already had my ME time planned for the day. He can't possibly have a fever...well isn't this ALWAYS how it goes. I felt SO resentful, angry and on top of it all...guilty.
Off we went to the walk-in clinic and my little bug had a double ear infection. We spent most of the rest of the day cuddling and my guilt and anger subsided a bit but I still felt "the cloud."
It scared me how close the "cloud" was... I have been feeling really clear and pretty good for weeks and then BOOM I felt really down quickly. It scared me how close to the surface it all was. I worked hard not to let it snowball...and I was afraid of how quickly that could happen, too.
On Tuesday I felt better and was only slightly annoyed with the fact that the little boys were sick. The day before, on Facebook, I asked friends to share how they would bounce back from this kind of setback. The response that really resonated with me was to get rid of the guilt! It's ok to be pissed off! And it's also okay and it's great to recognize that I turned to my usual coping mechanisms when I got stressed and upset.
I think recognizing all of that made Tuesday better. Cheers...
Adjustments...
The first change that needed to be made...that was very clear while we were in CA, was that I needed to step away from my job. For a year I've been working for a company called iLab Solutions in their marketing and business development department. They are a wonderful company and I was able to work from home. It really provided us was an ideal situation when we needed it....but it had grown very difficult to fit in my work around the 3 boys and it wasn't helping with my overwhelming depression and anxiety...
At this point, our family is able for me to step back and not work for awhile so we decided that would be best for me to take some time to stop try to get back on track and focus on getting better. I will definitely miss the friends I worked with at this company but I NEED this time....and in the future I hope to focus more on my more intended career: somewhere in elementary education.
I have been joking that the second change that needs to be made is that I need to find a good boarding school to send the 3 year olds. ;) They can really push me to my outer limits! Hopefully some of these other changes will make their issues not seem so bad.
At this point, our family is able for me to step back and not work for awhile so we decided that would be best for me to take some time to stop try to get back on track and focus on getting better. I will definitely miss the friends I worked with at this company but I NEED this time....and in the future I hope to focus more on my more intended career: somewhere in elementary education.
I have been joking that the second change that needs to be made is that I need to find a good boarding school to send the 3 year olds. ;) They can really push me to my outer limits! Hopefully some of these other changes will make their issues not seem so bad.
Feeling Super Supported
After I posted that revealing post on Facebook I was overwhelmed with all of the public responses I received of support...but even more so with the private responses I received from friends that have been down similar paths I'm on...and I had no idea of their past and current struggles.
I love you all and feel so supported! Carry On!!!
I love you all and feel so supported! Carry On!!!
Laying it all out there...
My post on Facebook on February 13th...
This update might make some people squirm, but I think my message is important: For the past year+ I've been dealing with a major case of anxiety and depression. I've been seeing doctors 2-3 times/week...my head has felt heavy/clouded....and I've gained 100 lbs during that time.
You read that right.
The only thing I've been able to muster energy for is the boys. They are fed, clean and loved. I had absolutely nothing left for myself. I was not completely functioning. On day one of our trip to CA my head felt clear!!! For the first time in over a year! I was ME. And I was shocked at my body! But I was me!!!
Britt and I made some big decisions while there...stay tuned...I'm afraid, now that we're back that I'll go back to that dark place... but that clear thinking made me see the things I need to do differently here. And I'm hanging on and making changes...
If you feel anything like this or know someone who does, get help. It's awful. But you CAN feel better. Keep trying everything...something will click. I promise.
This update might make some people squirm, but I think my message is important: For the past year+ I've been dealing with a major case of anxiety and depression. I've been seeing doctors 2-3 times/week...my head has felt heavy/clouded....and I've gained 100 lbs during that time.
You read that right.
The only thing I've been able to muster energy for is the boys. They are fed, clean and loved. I had absolutely nothing left for myself. I was not completely functioning. On day one of our trip to CA my head felt clear!!! For the first time in over a year! I was ME. And I was shocked at my body! But I was me!!!
Britt and I made some big decisions while there...stay tuned...I'm afraid, now that we're back that I'll go back to that dark place... but that clear thinking made me see the things I need to do differently here. And I'm hanging on and making changes...
If you feel anything like this or know someone who does, get help. It's awful. But you CAN feel better. Keep trying everything...something will click. I promise.
Friday, February 22, 2013
Carlsbad, CA
Taking in reality one bit at a time.
Feels alright because I...
caught up on sleep
saw the ocean
built countless lego creations
experienced a clear mind
felt sunshine
all with my family
life is good
and i haven't been able to
say that with a full heart
in a long time.
February 12. 2013
Feels alright because I...
caught up on sleep
saw the ocean
built countless lego creations
experienced a clear mind
felt sunshine
all with my family
life is good
and i haven't been able to
say that with a full heart
in a long time.
February 12. 2013
The Stubborn Hope
Hope begins in the dark, the stubborn hope that if you just show up
and try to do the right thing, the dawn will come. You wait and watch
and work: you don't give up.
-Anne Lamott
-Anne Lamott
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