Oh Boy

Well, I guess it's clear I can't really be depended on for anyone who is looking for some support in the area of depression, etc.  Yikes!  Sorry for the long delay in posting.  I think that when something becomes a "have to" in my eyes, it gets much more difficult to complete.  Hence, the break.

An Update:  I am doing very well.  We went through some ups and downs as far as medications go, and finally found a really good fit.  My mood is great...and things have been consistent there for quite awhile.  Yay!!

I still have been having a few symptoms that are bugging us so I will be going in to get my thyroid checked again. 

And just recently I decided to take a different approach to the weight loss bit.  I've been really frustrated with the lack of results in that area....so next Monday I will be starting the Take Shape For Life program...which uses Medifast.  I have a lot of thoughts about this...but am not ready to sit and write about it a ton....but I do think I'd like to try and post in this blog my weekly results.  We'll see!

M.I.A.

I was missing in action last week.  Almost back to that paralyzing place.  I felt grounded with little motivation for anything.  I'd like to blame the weather (another blizzard) and the fact I had sick kids 3 days in a row preceding it.  It's hard to figure out this puzzle with so many factors involved...

I've noticed that I don't like writing when I'm "in it."  I feel like I'm nagging or complaining or...I don't know.  It's just not clear thinking.  I'm probably also not motivated to write.  I don't know.  I do know that I would much rather reflect on it than write about while experiencing it.  Whatever that means.  :)

So, last week, I didn't food log and I didn't exercise.  At all.  I did all the "have to" stuff and a couple of fun family things...oh, and I did do some major cleaning out of the boys clothes and books.  On paper, I don't feel like it should've been an awful week.  But, I just felt stuck.

Today, for whatever reason, I woke up with motivation and got a couple of nagging tasks done this morning AND I got on the treadmill this afternoon.  I'm glad I've turned it around....now if I can figure out this pattern....

Happy Friday?

Well, I think that my recent adjustments might be working...today I have all 3 boys home.  One with a fever, another still recovering from a reaction to antibiotics and another who was throwing up all night and I don't feel all that bad.  This would normally have made me wanna go off the deep end!

Today I am taking any available moment to get up and move around and play some of my favorite music... I'm also focusing on giving the boys cuddles when they need it and so far so good.  I have been stuck at home for a couple of days so I do need to get out soon.  Britt is working from home today and intends to give me a break later today and certain tomorrow!

Treatments

Ever since being diagnosed with depression and anxiety I've tried a variety of different interventions and treatments. 

In my early 20s I first noticed some seasonal depression and it was the first time I tried talk therapy.  That seemed to do the trick at that time.  Then when I was about 30 the depression got a little bit worse....so I was referred to a psychiatrist who recommended that I try a medication.  My depression was still fairly mild, but I was having a hard time rebounding with just talk therapy and it was affecting my life quite a bit.  So I gave it a try and it really helped.

I was on that regiment, same dose and all, for the last 8 years until this episode.  My doctors now are trying to adjust things with my medication to help me out a bit and I'm also still doing talk therapy....but to be honest, talk therapy was useless until we could get the meds to help me.  I was completely not "there."  I couldn't take things in and apply them to my life at all.

One other thing we've added is the use of a light box between Labor Day and Memorial Day.  I believe a lot of people do this in the upper Midwest due to our lack of daylight during this time.  It's really helped a lot.  I would recommend it to anyone who thinks it might help!

So, that's where I'm at.  I am always curious about how certain foods might affect how your body works and if cutting out any certain foods might help...but now isn't the time for me to try something like that.  ;)

Binge Eating Disorder

I'm not going to get medical or scientific here... I'd just like to share what binge eating disorder has looked like for me.   When I get to it I will add some resources in the link above that explains more about the disorder from a medical standpoint.

So, binge eating disorder did not look like I thought it did.  It wasn't the "after school special" material that I had envisioned:  hiding in closets, eating large amounts of sugar until you are in a stupor.  Although, I believe that might be the case for some people.

For me, it began with a longtime reliance on using food for comfort.  Then it grew into me wanting more and more comfort until I couldn't control it.  I kept wanting to feel numb and feel nothing at all.  So I would just eat constantly...not really hiding it... no one was really watching me.  Maybe Britt...but she doesn't really tune into that stuff very much.  The key was that I couldn't stop.  I wanted more.  I would eat and eat and eat until I felt AWFUL.  Then, I wanted to just curl up in a ball of guilt and numbness and sleep.  And I went through that cycle several times a day. 

When I was first referred to the Eating Disorder Clinic I was somewhat relieved because I knew I needed help...but I'm not sure I actually felt like I had the disorder.  I have had this type of behavior on and off for several years and so I didn't think it was that extreme.  After my initial appointment which was an all day affair they informed me that I was a slam dunk diagnosis for Binge Eating Disorder...actually there isn't a formal diagnosis of such a disorder yet...it's called Eating Disorder, Non Specific. 

So, that's me.  Since we've been back from California, my bingeing has decreased considerably and, in fact, I haven't binged in a couple of weeks!  Huge!  I have many behaviors that could trigger it very quickly so we are working very hard on keeping away from those behaviors!  I am overeating...but not bingeing..which is hard to differentiate at this point...

That's it for now...

Self Image

This picture was taken in May 2011.  The big depression and anxiety started about 5 months after this... and now that I am experiencing a lot more clarity I can't help but feel like my body should look like this again.  Right now I weigh about 90-100 lbs more than I do in this picture.

I guess we could say this picture is my goal, physically.  Weird stuff.

Athletic Background

So, one reason that being where I'm at physically is so challenging for me right now is that I've had moments in my past where I've been pretty athletic.

In high school I played sports year round. 

I played basketball for a year in college.

I played in a competitive basketball league in my mid-20s to my early-30s.

I've run 1 marathon, several half marathons and completed several sprint triathlons.

I don't consider myself a runner...I'm mostly a jogger who likes to stay active and give myself goals.  I've certainly had times in my life that I was overweight...especially after having kids...and I've gotten back into shape both times.  In October 2011 I ran my fastest 10k.  And right after that my downhill slide began.

And here I am.  Trying to ignore the past, wipe the slate clean and just start moving again.  It's hard not to think back to all of my past times, training programs, etc.  But doing so would be SO not helpful. 

Today I jogged on the treadmill at a speed so slow that it used to be my cool down WALK.  But you know what?  It felt GREAT!!!  So there!!